THE SIXTY SECOND SOOTHING SECRET

          Suppose you came in contact with a friend who is struggling but your to do list is already overflowing? Do you want to have powerful, prevailing connections with your family and friends? What if you only have a minute to help encourage your mate and keep your child smiling?
          Do you know how to balance your checkbook?  
          When you understand the simple yet significant concept of relationship banking, you can encourage others in a meaningful way that helps them feel valuable and loved.
          It works like this.
          Think through some negative situations you suffered growing up. Gary Smalley defines these as checkbook withdrawals-anything that took away your energy, sad circumstances, anything you dreaded, a rough experience, or any loss that produced anger, frustration or fear.

Specific examples include:

• being criticized
• treated unfairly by parents or siblings
• not getting along with a teacher or coach
• being misunderstood by friends
• being left out on the playground or the party.  
• Or a hundred other feelings of loneliness, rejection, disappointment

        
 The goal is to balance these negatives with deposits. A deposit is a positive experience that counterbalances the withdrawal of painful feelings.

Examples of positive deposits are:

• a gentle touch
• a listening ear
• verbal expressions of love
• showing respect for the person
• celebrating accomplishments
• recognizing special memories
• appreciation for a job well done
• receiving an unexpected gift

          
          However, because everyone is different, communication about 'what is a withdrawal for you' and 'what is a deposit' is vital to this exercise. Ask questions to discover what is energy-giving and what is energy-draining in your relationships. Your deposit might be a family member’s withdrawal. The point is to make deposits into people's lives that are valuable to them and that takes communicating to find out. 
          A teacher recently shared that she was appalled by elementary age kids who do not know how to connect conversations and put sentences together because parents are not communicating in the home. Asking, 'is this what you are feeling' or 'I understand you to be feeling….is that correct?’ is the secret to validating and understanding. Step into the feeling place with them and you will connect in that moment. That is the secret to a powerful empathy connection with another human being. 
          After having guests in our home for a week, my husband planned an outing with another couple, thinking I would want to go out on the town. He did not ask what I was feeling. What I really longed for was a quiet evening at home, take-out pizza and a movie.  How simple for him to ask about my feelings before he acted.
          Of course the goal is to give more deposits than withdrawals and the beauty of this plan is that if you 'mess up' you can immediately add more to your balance by doing what you know to compliment your mate or child. We need our emotional batteries charged often because positive input dissolves fast.
         “One of the commodities in life that most people can't get enough of is compliments. The ego is never so intact that one can't find a hole in which to plug a little praise. But, compliments by their very nature are highly biogradable and tend to dissolve hours or days after we receive them—which is why we can always use another,” says Phyllis Theroux, in Top Ten Mistakes Leaders Make 
          People thrive on praise.  Think how good it feels when someone compliments you. Now realize that you have the power to make someone else feel that way. There is always something good to be found in a person—even the most difficult personality.
          Try this experiment. Begin showing appreciation for one thing your mate or child or coworker does that is positive or unique.  It takes perseverance to learn these special traits, but when families do this for each other they bond in a powerful way and stay connected for life. Giving the gift of praise can lift a person's mood, motivate him to change and meet his need for significance and security in a very short period of time. Remember everyone wants to know they matter. It’s part of our human DNA.

         “Go out of your way to appreciate deserving things here before you: people who matter, places that will inevitably change, and circumstances that get rearranged all too easily.  If someone has made a difference in your life, let them know.”  Doug Pagels, Blue Mountain